Udinese only need a point away to Catania as their head to head against Lazio is 2-0 at home and 2-2 away.

Lazio MUST beat Inter and hope Udinese lose.

Napoli must beat Siena and hope Lazio fail to win and Udinese lose. Napoli have a superior head to head against both Udinese (2-0 home & 2-2 away) and Inter (0-3 away and 1-0 at home).

Inter. First of all fuck Inter. Inter must win and hope Napoli fail to win and Udinese lose. Inter have a superior head to head against Udinese, a 0-1 loss at home and a 1-3 win away.

It's Udinese's to lose. With a 2 point lead over 4th placed Lazio it will take one hell of a choke joke to blow this. If they get a penalty bottler Di Natale shouldn't take it.


Genoa need a point to stay up while Lecce must win in Chievo. If both teams finish level i.e. Genoa lose and Lecce win, Lecce have the superior head to head. The bad news for Genoa is they're facing lifelong Lecce fan Miccoli without Palacio and Kucka but Chievo will be tough for Lecce to beat.

6 May 2012

PARMA 2 (Giovinco 67, Floccari 92)

Gazzi underhit a backpass, Giovinco flicked up the ball with his right and as it bounced up off the turf he hit an extraordinary shot, sending the ball high into the air and up and over a defender before curling inside the top right corner. Similar to Calaio's wonder strike against Cagliari. Contini underhit another back pass but and this time Floccari took a more customary route to goal, knocking it past Pegolo and then into an empty net.

Attendance : 10,000
Assist : n/a, n/a

LAZIO 2 (Kozak 35, Cana 91)

Kozak hammered a shot against the underside of the crossbar before giving Lazio the lead via a big deflection off Manfredini. Stendardo was sent off for an innocuous looking challenge. Sunderland reject Lorik Cana ran through a tackle before letting rip with a wonderful shot, both his feet left the ground as the ball arrowed into the top right corner prompting the Italian commentator to cry "Mamma Mia Che Goal!". No translation necessary.

Attendance : 16,300
Red Card : Stendardo 81 (Atalanta)
Assists : n/a, n/a

BOLOGNA 2 (Diamanti 14, Rubin 64)

Bologna almost certainly ended Napoli's hopes though this was always going to be a tough test for Mazzari's men. Acquafresca poked a cross past Cannavaro and Diamanti fired into the bottom right corner. Di Vaio, in his last Serie A game before joining Montreal Impact, played in Rubin with a great reverse pass and the former Torino left back lashed the ball into the roof of the net. A brawl broke out after Zuniga kicked Rubin's arse. Dzemaili push Di Vaio, Di Vaio pushed back and the ref sent off Morleo and Dzemaili for their part in the ensuing brawl. Sentiment probably saving Di Vaio from a ignominious exit.

Attendance : 26,647
Red Card : Morleo 91 (Bologna), Dzemaili 91 (Napoli)
Assists : Acquafresca, Di Vaio

NOVARA 3 (Rigoni 28 Pen, Rigoni 68 Pen, Rigoni 86)

Colucci kicked Jeda to concede the first penalty and Van Bergen handled from the Brazilian to concede the second. Rigoni completed his hat-trick in this thoroughly one sided Serie B derby with a tap-in after Morganella's shot smashed off the inside of the right post, against Antonioli, off the right post again and rolled to the back post! That's 11 goals for the 32 year old in his maiden Serie A season. Surely someone will pick him up?

Attendance : 8,000
Assists : Jeda (won pen), n/a, n/a

PALERMO 4 (Miccoli 10 Pen, Miccoli 19, Miccoli 74, Silvestre 89)
CHIEVO 4 (Pellissier 27 Pen, Uribe 30, Luciano 46, Pellissier 72)

Miccoli began the scoring from the post after Migliaccio was sandwiched between two defenders. The duo combined for the second, Migliaccio headed a ball into the box, Miccoli controlled on his chest, with a suspicion of handball, then rifled a right foot shot past Sorrentino. A soft penalty decision got Chievo back in the game. Zahavi should have cleared a longball but missed and Uribe held off Silvestre to equalise. Palermo were still on their half time break when Uribe rolled a centre to Luciano, 2-3. Dr Zhivago dropped a ball in between two defenders and Pellissier slammed a half volley into the bottom corner. Miccoli completed his hat-trick with an acrobatic volley as Chievo hands went up for offside. Miccoli hammered a shot against the crossbar and Silvestre went one better from a corner when his effort went in off the woodwork.

Given nothing was at stake this was a surprisingly well contested affair.

Attendance : 22,617
Assists : Migliaccio (won pen), Migliaccio, n/a, n/a, Uribe, Cruzago, Donati, Miccoli (ck)

UDINESE 2 (Di Natale 30 fk, Floro Flores 66)

Kucka was sent off for pushing Fabbrini in the back and to make matters worse Frey made a mess of Di Natale's free kick, he just failed to get his hands on the ball and ended up tangled in the netting. Palacio was sent off for shouting expletives at the ref. Floro Flores put Genoa one step closer to the relegation zone when he tapped in a deep cross at the back post.

There are a lot of very good players at Genoa. Relegation will knock millions of euros off the price of the likes of Palacio (Roma), Kucka (Inter), Jankovic, Constant and Granqvist (Milan).

Attendance : 19,000
Red Cards : Kucka 29 (Genoa), Palacio 39 (Genoa)
Assists : Fabbrini (won fk), Basta

JUVENTUS 2 (Vucinic 6, Canini 74 og)

Vucinic beat Cagliari's offside trap onto a great Bonucci pass and lifted the ball wide of Agazzi. Lichtsteiner was stretchered off following a clash of heads with Pinilla. Chiellini should have been sent off for a two footed foul on Pisano. He escaped with a yellow. In trying to block for Borriello Canini sliced the ball into his own net and Juve simply had to wait for full time from the San Siro before ending their 9 year scudetto drought. Title number 28, 10 clear of both Milan and Inter.

Not playing in Europe allowed Juve to maintain their hard running style and in recent weeks they finally started to convert some of the plethora of chances they create in every match. Pirlo will fold when he has to play every three days and Juve can't possibly get as lucky with injuries as they have this season. Juve will need a plan B and better forwards if they are to make a serious impact in Europe. I'd fancy their chances against any of the Spanish sides. Don't be surprised if they take out Real Madrid or Barcelona, assuming they don't fudge qualification from the group stages which, if history is anything to go by, remains a possibility.

Attendance : 20,120
Assists : Bonucci, n/a

INTER 4 (Milito 14, Milito 52 Pen, Milito 80 Pen, Maicon 87)
MILAN 4 (Ibrahimovic 44, Ibrahimovic 46)

Ibrahimovic missed from six yards, ironically it was Robinho who crossed. Two minutes Sneijder swung a free kick towards the back post, Samuel helped it on and Milito tapped in. A scuffle broke out as an Inter official refused to give Robinho the ball back after it had gone out of play. The remainder of the first half was a microcosm of Milan's season. Bonera went down injured and had to be replaced by 19 year old De Sciglio. Abbiati made a phenomenal save to deny Cambiasso on a corner, amid claims the ball had crossed the line and got to his feet, as Nesta couldn't clear the rebound, to deny Sneijder with another impossible save. He injured himself in the process and Milan had used two subs in the first 40 minutes. The visitors got themselves level with a bullshit penalty. Boateng overran a pass and Julio Cesar parried, Ibrahimovic's follow up effort was blocked but the ref whistled and pointed to the spot. Julio Cesar stood beside the goal feigning injury then walked up to Ibrahimovic and stuck out his tongue, mocking him. Given he had already been booked the ref should have showed him a second yellow nonetheless Ibrahimovic kept his composure to equalise.

In the opening minute after the restart Boateng dummied a Robinho pass, Ibrahimovic turned inside two defenders and lifted the ball into the far corner. Beautiful goal. Sneijder almost scored with an outrageous 40 yard volley, Amelia just managed to tip the ball out for a corner. Milito continued his ritual humiliation of Abate, the defender pulled him back to concede the second penalty. Milan were still looking more likely but another poor penalty decision handed the initiative back to Inter. Pazzini headed a cross against Nesta from point blank range and the ref pointed to the spot. Milito completed his hat-trick and knocked the stuffing out of Milan. Maicon finished them off with a blockbuster shot from 30 yards which flew into the top left corner. Amazing strike.

Despite all the injuries and the Muntari ghost goal the fact remains Milan were still in with a shot of the scudetto had they won this match but Allegri has continually failed to deliver in big games however the two main reasons for Milan's failure to retain are trainer Daniele Tognaccini who should be the first person sacked next Sunday and that bastard Pato. His refused to join PSG, in addition to numerous costly misses, have cost Milan dearly. With Tevez in the side I doubt Milan would have capitulated as they have done since the Barcelona games and while I'd ride the lovely Barbara Berlusconi like Seabiscuit she shouldn't show her face at the San Siro while that little prick boyfriend of hers is still around.

Attendance : 78,222
Assists : Samuel, Boateng (won pen), Robinho, Milito (won pen), n/a, Zanetti

5 May 2012

FIORENTINA 1 (Cerci 35)

Attendance : 12,700
Assist : Olivera

ROMA 2 (Totti 52, Totti 77)
CATANIA 2 (Lodi 58 Pen, Marchese 67)

Carrizo made a brilliant save from a Totti penalty and the Roma captain shanked the rebound. He made amends by blasting Roma into the lead with a low drive from the edge of the box. Catania were level within minutes, Barrientos made the most of a typically stupid Heinze challenge to win the penalty. Lodi, who should play for Italy, rolled a corner to the edge of the box and Marchese ran from deep to blast a left foot shot past a helpless Lobont. Catania were caught trying to pass the ball out of defence one time too many, Pjanic and Totti combined again for the equaliser.

Both 'keepers were terrific. The draw ends Roma's feint hopes of a Champions League place and should end the Luis Enrique experiment though I hardly think AVB is an upgrade. The difference between Luis Enrique and AVB is that Luis Enrique is quick to hold up his hands up and accept his role in any defeat, AVB on the other hand is an arrogant bullshitter.

Attendance : 32,582
Assists : Gago, Barrientos (won pen), Lodi (ck), Pjanic