31 January 2016

DJOKOVIC 6-1 7-5 7-6 (7-3) MURRAY

Lifelong Milanisti Djokovic followed up his ritual grand slam humiliation of Federer by mugging Murray in the final to win his 6th Australian Open and 11th Grand Slam, going level with Borg and Laver. He is once again one GS away from completing a calendar Grand Slam and with drug cheating bastard Nadal a fading force surely he won't suffer an embarrassing loss to Wawrinka as he did last year.


The Milan fans unveiled a prophetic banner showing Hateley heading in the winning goal in the 1984 Milan derby and Alex fulfilled the prophecy with a thumping first half header. Icardi forced Donnarumma into a save then Alex stupidly kicked out at him after he attacked the rebound. After last week's match against Carpi Mancini said after an Icardi miss "even past the age of 50, I would have scored that goal, you have to score there, you just have to." so of course Icardi smashed the spot kick against a post. It's hard to feel sorry for wife and child stealer Icardi but still, talk about setting up the kid to fail. Within minutes Milan made it 2-0, Bacca slammed in a volley from a brilliant Niang cross. Niang fired in the third on the rebound after Bonaventura mugged a defender and laid on a chance for the teenager.

Inter, long time leaders of Serie A this season, have fell off a cliff. They're winless in five and have lost their last two games by three goals (first against Juventus in the Coppa Italia). Mancini's man management isn't looking too clever. He's continually criticised Icardi, last season's joint top scorer in Serie A, and has been critical of the teams finishing. The once impregnable defence is now leaking goals. A bad combination all round.


Napoli started the match a point behind Juve and after 30 minutes were trailing 0-1 before storming back. After Higuain equalised, Insigne gave them the lead with a magnificent free kick. Callejon plundered two goals late on.


Morata followed up his double against Inter with another brace as Juve made it 12 successive league wins. After laying on a goal for Alex Sandro that was reminiscent of Carlos Alberto's legendary World Cup final goal, Pogba scored their fourth.

30 January 2016


Roma took the lead and as usual conceded. El Shaarawy, on loan from Milan via Monaco, restored Roma's lead with a sensational back heal volley. Three years ago he was one of the brightest prospects in the game but was crippled by a foot injury then sent on loan to Monaco, where he tanked. Physically he's looked fine this season, it's his frail mental state that is the problem. A first win for Spalettli, probably, I can't be bothered to check.

27 January 2016


Morata ended a 20 game goal drought with the first two goals in a crushing win over bitter rivals Inter. Inter actually had more possession, despite playing a man down when Murilo was sent off after 70 minutes, but Juve were in complete control. The second leg should be a non event.

26 January 2016


Balotelli scored a penalty late in the first half. Poor game but with an away goal Milan are as good as in the final.

17 January 2016

Liverpool 0-1 Manchester United

As usual this was given the big build as one of the great rivalries of English football which is of course pure horeshit as the match has never meant anything. Man United were jobbers when Liverpool dominated in the 1970s and 1980s and the roles were reversed under Taggart. How is that a rivalry when they've contested titles maybe once in 30+ years? Rooney headed in the winner in an awful match.

Stoke 0-0 Arsenal

Arsenal were missing Ozil and Stoke Shaqiri. A decent enough game with both 'keepers in great form.

Milan 2-0

Milan ended Fiorentina's 26 match scoring run. Ridiculous because they're not very good. Bacca scored another great goal and Boateng, back after two years of having sex with his girlfriend in Germany came off the bench and ran onto a longball to score an injury time second.

Udinese 0-4 Juventus

Dybala was tremendous as Juve racked up a 10th successive league win and went above Inter I believe for the first time this season.

Roma 1-1 Verona

Spalettli was back. Dzeko was involved in some laughable misses. Nainggolan gave Roma the lead but Pazzini equalised with a penalty on the hour mark. Next up for Roma - Juventus. Ha ha.

Barcelona scored 6 and Real Madrid 5. A miserable excuse of a league and an affront to football.

16 January 2016

Chelsea 3-3 Everton

Everton threw away a two goal lead but Martinez is and has escaped criticism of his major shortcomings as a coach because Terry's winner came in the 98th minutes of 97 allotted minutes and was offside to boot. They're in 11th place, where they belong. Costa went off for a shin injury, after scoring and creating a goal.

Goals & Assists

15 goals - Lukaku (Everton), Vardy (Leicester)
13 goals - Ighalo (Watford), Mahrez (Leicester)

16 assists - Ozil (Arsenal)
9 assists - De Bruyne (Manchester City)

18 goals - Aubameyang (Dortmund)
15 goals - Lewandowski (Bayern Munich)

8 assists - Raffael (Monchengladbach)
8 assists - Mkhitaryan (Dortmund)

Serie A
20 goals - Higuain (Napoli)
11 goals - Eder (Sampdoria), Dybala (Juventus)

7 assists - Bonaventura (Milan), Dybala (Juventus)

La Liga
18 goals - Suarez (Barcelona)
16 goals - Benzema (Real Madrid), Neymar (Barcelona), Ronaldo (Real Madrid)

9 assists - Neymar (Barcelona)
8 assists - Bale (Real Madrid)

Best Attack

57 goals scored - Real Madrid

Best Defence

8 goals conceded - Atletico Madrid, Bayern Munich


EPL. 22 Rounds

44 points - Arsenal, Leicester
43 points - Manchester City

Serie A. 20 Rounds
44 points - Napoli
42 points - Juventus
40 points - Inter

La Liga. 20 Rounds
47 points - Atletico Madrid
45 points - Barcelona *
43 points - Real Madrid

* 19 games played

Bundesliga. 17 Rounds
46 points - Bayern Munich
38 points - Dortmund

During the week in which Messi won a fifth Ballon D'or it has to be stated Andreas Iniesta is shite.

13 January 2016

Swansea 2-4 Sunderland

I didn't see it but some pundits were asking why bigger clubs didn't try to sign Jermine Defoe er because he's Jermain Defoe.

Manchester City 0-0 Everton

The worse coach in the league, Martinez, flucked a clean sheet.

Liverpool 3-3 Arsenal

Arsenal twice came from behind to lead 2-3 but monstrous flop Allen came off the bench to fire in the equaliser after Arsenal failed to clear a cross. Firminho and Giroud both hit braces. Firmonho scored a brilliant goal from 25 yards to put Liverpool 2-1 up. Awful defending by both sides. Livepool dominated the second half.

Milan 2-1 Carpi

Bacca scored and made a goal in a dominant first half for Milan. They conceded after Carpi broke from a corner and LASAGNA centred for Mancosu. What a brilliant name. I can't think of any puns. Milan couldn't regain control but saw off the relegation strugglers to seal a semi final place. The Coppa Italia is their best chance of silverware and a place in Europe though I don't see how they'll beat Juve (presumbaly) in the final.

10 January 2016

Sampdoria 1-2 Juventus

A 9th successive win league win for Juventus. Dybala was superb. They're just two points off Napoli. It's hard to see Napoli holding them off, especially if Juve get knocked out of Europe by Bayern, which is 50-50 despite the hype over Guardiola's overrated side.

Inter 0-1 Sassuolo

An incredible game. Highly technical with superb defedning by both sides. Consigli kept Inter at bay though Ljajic was wasteful. Floro Flores almost stole the points late on but Handanovic saved brilliantly/ Miranda tripped Defrel to concede a 95th minute penalty. Brave refereeing. Beradi converted emphatically.

Berardi would have been going to the Euros had he moved in the summer. There's little chance that fraud Conte will pick him. Italy are going to tank but that's another story.

9 January 2016

Fiorentina 1-3 Lazio

What the hell happened here? Fiorentina's defending was horrendous. Kieta gave Lazio the lead on the stroke of half time. Matri should have put Lazio out of sight but wasted an easy chance. As Fiorentina kept pouring forward Lazio kept opening them up on the counter. Savic should have sealed the points with a goal in the 92nd minute but Berisha was beaten by Rongaglia's tame shot less then a minute later, 1-2. Surprisingly Lazio didn't try to see out the remaining seconds and intsead poured forward and Anderson blasted home their third.

Fiorentina would have went joint top with a win. Third place is the best they can hope for. Not playing with a DM is lunacy. Anderson isn't worth the €35 million Lazio want for him from Man United but Woodward is an awful vice chairman, rivalling Galliani in his ineptititde, and whenever a club want to fleece Man United for money he always obliges.

Roma 1-1 Milan

It's possible either coach would have been sacked with a loss though why on Earth Mihajlovic is under pressure is a mystery, all of Milan's problems are down to Galliani and everyone knows it. Anyway the draw wasn't enough to save Rudi Garcia. Spaletti is back for a second stint so they're replaced one tactically inpet coach for another.

Fantasy League Standings

Binder's tactic of copying my team has paid off, until this weekend. People having two teams is bullshit. John lost further ground this week. A few more and he's out of the race.

1. headless pigeons. Binder Dundat. 1106
2. Bloody Sunday. Mohammed Mehdi. 1088
3. Bayern Eunuch. John Knapp. 1075
4. B &W Propagandists. Daniele P. 1052
5. High Hopes. Keith Powell. 1023
6. BeNeVolants. Michael Hynes. 1018
7. BatraciensMH. Michael Hynes. 1007
8. Serie A Rejects. Marco P. 980
9. Bundesliga Glory Hun. Bob Quyon. 975
10. LilyWeiss. Lily White. 970

Valencia 2-2 Real Madrid

The Spanish press have convinced themselves Benitez is one result away from the sack but given how Barcelona have been dropping points recently I'm not convinced that's the case, they simply don't like the fat bastard and who can blame them? Valencia came back twice. Fraud Benzema gave Real Madrid the lead, Valencia equalised from the penalty spot. Bale headed in a free kick and just over a minute later Danny Trejo, something like that, headed in the equaliser. Kovacic was sent off for a foul from behind. Apparently Negredo was in tears after missing a late chance. If I was his coach I'd fine him a weeks wages, not for crying but for missing when through on goal. Pussy.

Crystal Palace 0-3 Chelsea

Chelsea murdered Palace, who are usually hard to break down. Oscar, Willian and Costa were excellent. The players got what they wanted, Mourinho out, and they're playing to their potential. They're still a striker short but could do damage in the cups.

Everton 1-1 Tottenham

Ex Spurs cripple Lennon blasted in from a Lukaku lay-off before Delicatessen equalised from an Alder.. Toby longball. Martinez is a shit coach. He's the most defensively naïve coach in any of the top European leagues. Spurs dominated and should have been a couple of goals up at half time as usual though their high pressing game took a toll and they were shot mid-way through the second half.

West Ham 2-0 Liverpool

Liverpool were horrifically bad. The new manager bounce is over. This team as just as anaemic as they were under Rodgers. Benteke has the body of a beast and the heart of a lion - the lion from the Wizard of Oz. West Ham should have won 4-0. Payet made his return and humiliated the Liverpool players with loads of circus tricks and two killer through balls. Both West Ham goals were headers and of course Carroll scored against his former club.

Leicester 0-0 Bournemouth

Three games without a goal for Leicester. Mahrez missed a penalty. The bubble may have burst.

Watford 1-2 Manchester City

Kolarov scored an og but Toure and Aguero rescued City with two late goals. This was I believe the first or one of the first times Silva, Toure, KDB, Sterling and Aguero started together. Aguero of course can't be trusted to stay fit. Getting Kompany back is more important. Zabaleta was on the bench. It can't be long before he relegates the useless Sagna to the bench. Arsenal have sold Man City some right shit over the past few years.

Sunderland 0-1 Liverpool

This was almost as awful as the games from the last two evenings. Benteke missed another chance when one vs one against the 'keeper. Klopp appeared to chastise him at full time, as he should. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

Manchester United 0-0 Chelsea

The only thing more boring than watching Man United play is Steven Gerrard's punditry. Why has he come back from the US? Stay away you boring twat.

Southampton 4-0 Arsenal

No one saw this coming. Arsenal had a chance to go clear top and shit the bed. They couldn't string more than two passes together in midfield. Southampton bullied them.

Chelsea 2-2 Watford

The good news for Chelsea for Diego Costa looked great, scoring twice. Their problems in defence however remained.

Stoke 2-0 Manchester United

This was predictable given the respective form of both teams. Rooney was benched, came on in the second half and did nothing. Arnautovic and Shaqiri have formed an excellent partnership. The weak links in this Stoke side are Afellay and Johnson. There's been talk of Hughes being put forward for the Man United job but he's not the type of coach that's going to go into a team and have an instant impact.

RSS Fantasy League Standings

Bender's shitty team have taken the lead, until the middle of January.

1. headless pigeons. Binder Dundat. 1072
2. Bloody Sunday. Mohammed Mehdi. 1057
3. Bayern Eunuch. John Knapp. 1049
4. B &W Propagandists. Daniele P. 1024
5. High Hopes. Keith Powell. 998
6. BeNeVolants. Michael Hynes. 969
7. BatraciensMH. Michael Hynes. 957
8. Serie A Rejects. Marco P. 956
9. LilyWeiss. Lily White. 934
10. Bundesliga Glory Hun. Bob Quyon. 929