16 September 2014

JUVENTUS 2 (Tevez 59, Tevez 89 fk)

Tevez burst onto Asamoah's back heel to end his pathetic five and half year UCL goal drought. He did a robot celebration looking every bit the man-chimp he is. A brilliant free kick ensured there would be no late drama.

Here's a photo of Tevez celebrating :

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Attendance : 31,218
Assists : Asamoah, Pogba (won fk)

OLYMPIAKOS 3 (Masuaku 13, Afellay 31, Mitroglou 73)
ATLETICO MADRID 2 (Mandzukic 38, Griezmann 86)

The first shock of the tournament as last season's finalists, fresh from beating Real Madrid at the weekend, were stunned in Greece. Olympiakos worked a short comer, Afellay rolled the ball across the edge of the box and Masuaku fired a left foot shot into the right corner. Fulham reject Mitroglou dummied a centre and Afellay profited as two Atletico defenders crashed into each other. Mandzukic's precise header got Atletico back in the game. Atletico got a taste of their own medicine when Maniatis ran through Godin and the ref played the advantage as Kasami ran upfield before centring for Mitroglou to scored the third. Griezmann finished off a fine passing move.

Attendance : 31,946
Assists : Afellay, n/a, Ansaldi, Kasami, Koke

LIVERPOOL 2 (Balotelli 82, Gerrard 93 Pen)
LUDOGORETS 1 (Paulos 91)

Back in the UCL after 5 years with commentators boring us with the special atmosphere at Anfield on European nights bollocks. This was another example of life post Suarez. Liverpool looked every bit as ordinary as the visitors. Balotelli gave them the lead with a superb half volley. Sterling lost possession and two passes later Paulos ran through to equalise. Ludo goalkeeper Bojan failed to control a backpass, Manquilo closed him down and was tripped for the penalty.

Attendance : 43,307
Assists : n/a, Younes, Manquilo (won pen)

REAL MADRID 5 (Suchy 14 og, Bale 30, Ronaldo 31, Rodriguez 37, Benzema 79)
BASEL 1 (Gonzalez 38)

Nacho's cross went in off Suchy. Modric made the second with a superb chipped pass to Bale. Modric and Bale combined seconds later to lay on the third for Ronaldo. Rodriguez tapped in a rebound and less than a minute later Zuffi's brilliant through pass sent Gonzalez clear of the awful Real Madrid defence and he beat a poorly positioned Casillas for his team's consolation goal. Benzema added the fifth with the type of garbage goal that has padded out his false career. Unfortunately his was the strike that made it 1000 goals for Real Madrid in Europe but hopefully it will be remembered for the awesome Ronaldo assist.

Attendance : 65,364
Assists : n/a, Modric, Bale, n/a, Zuffi, Ronaldo

MONACO 1 (Moutinho 61)

One of the biggest frauds in the game scored the only goal. Both teams stink.

Attendance : 8,130
Assist : Berbatov

ZENIT ST PETERSBURG 2 (Hulk 5, Witsel 22)

Benfica didn't notice Shatov's telegraphed pass to Hulk and he lifted the ball over Artur as he advanced off his line. Would have been much funnier if his surname was Shaton. In the 18th minute Artur ran to the edge of the D and checked Danny to earn a deserved red card for stupidity. What a complete moron. Witsel headed in a corner.

The defeat ended Benfica's 51 match unbeaten home run. What a joke of a record.

Attendance : 35,294
Red Card : Artur 18 (Benfica)
Assists : Shatov, Danny

GALATASARAY 1 (Yilmaz 91)
ANDERLECHT 1 (Praet 52)

Praet scored with a superb drive from the edge of the box that flew in off the right post. Chedjou made the equaliser with a brilliant solo run.

Attendance : 28,553
Assists : Defour, Chedjou

DORTMUND 2 (Immobile 45, Aubameyang 48)

Immobile scored a fantastic solo goal at the end of the first half. Durm whacked a longball out of defence, Immobile bounced it off his chest and running from the centre circle, he beat the cripple Gibbs before angling a shot into the right corner as Koscielny tried to tackle. His first goal for Dortmund. Three minutes after the break Grosskreutz chipped a ball between Arsenal's centrebacks and Aubameyang, struggling to keep his balance, rounded WS before tapping into an empty net.

Dortmund dominated and could have scored six but Welbeck had and blew three excellent chances.

Attendance : 65,851
Assists : n/a, Grosskreutz