11 December 2013

CHELSEA 1 (Ba 10)

Steaua Bucharest maintained their proud record of not having won a UCL group game since 2006 (22 games). Chelsea were awful, again.

Attendance : 40,000
Assist : Oscar

SCHALKE 2 (Draxler 50, Matip 57)

A harsh red card gave Schalke left Basel facing an uphill struggle although their nervous defend even before that incident suggests they were in for a torrid time. Draxler broke the deadlock when he tapped in Farfan's cross. A shocking offside decision sent Schalke into the last 16. It so bad Matip froze, expecting a flag before tapping past Sommer.

Attendance : 52,093
Red Card : Ivanov 31 (Basel)
Assists : Farfan, Farfan

MARSEILLE 1 (Diawara 14)
DORTMUND 2 (Lewandowski 4, Grosskreutz 87)

Marseille's new coach deployed a high line which Lewandowski breached inside four minutes. The rubbish Weidenfeller flapped at a corner and Diawara headed into an empty net after Khelifa's header came back off the bar. Payet was shown a second yellow for diving. He smashed a corner flag as he left and they used duct tape to repair it! Dortmund kept missing chances but three minutes from time Schieber laid on a pass for Grosskreutz, he slipped as he shot, Mandanda parried but couldn't prevent the ball from hitting the back of the net.

Attendance : 36,655
Red Card : Payet 34 (Marseille)
Assists : Durm, n/a, Schieber

NAPOLI 2 (Higuain 73, Callejon 93)

Higuain played a one-two with Callejon, rolled Mertesacker as he took the ball on his left foot and fired past Starsky (I can't be bothered to spell his stupid name). Callejon dived to get Arteta dismissed. Insigne clipped a ball between Mertesacker and Koscielny and as the Frenchman came to close him down, Callejon jumped in the air and lobbed over Starsky. Fantastic finish.

Coward Benitez failed to take advantage of an Arsenal side with Man City on their mind but is anyone really surprised? Inler, a useful battering ram with a powerful shot from distance, was left on the bench as was Insigne until the hour mark, despite that fact that Hamsik was out injured. Benitez never learns.

Attendance : 34,027
Red Card : Arteta 76 (Arsenal)
Assists : Callejon, Insigne

ATLETICO MADRID 2 (Garcia 14, Costa 37)

Garcia scored from a ridiculous angle wide left of goal. Aranzubia threw himself across goal to save ? penalty, one of the best saves you'll see all year. Costa beat Porto's offside trap to score his second.

Attendance : 24,629
Assists : Insua, Torres

AUSTRIA VIENNA 4 (Hosiner 44, Jun 48, Hosiner 51, Kienast 93)
ZENIT ST PETERSBURG 1 (Kerzhakov 35)

Kerzhakov took full advantage of a slip by a defender and suicidal sliding tackle by Austria Vienna's goalkeeper to open the scoring. A mistake at the other end by Hubocan allowed Hosiner to equalise on half time. A fantastic crossfield pass found Suttner in space on the left and Jun tapped in his centre to give the Austrian's a lead they did not yield. Zenit's 23 year old goalkeeper Lodygin spilled Madder's speculative shot from distance, his defence was too slow to cover and Hosiner tapped in the rebound. Kienast got in between a demoralised Zenit defence to complete a famous (for them at least) win.

Zenit qualify with six points - the lowest total in the history of the UCL.

Attendance : 37,500
Assists : Hulk, Stankovic, Suttner, n/a, Hosiner


Montolivo was sent off for stamping down on Poulsen's ankle and with Honda arriving hopefully we won't see this pansy start again.

Attendance : 61,744
Red Card : Montolivo 22 (Milan)
Assist : n/a

BARCELONA 6 (Pique 7, Pedro 39, Neymar 44, Neymar 48, Neymar 58, Tello 72)
CELTIC 1 (Samaras 88)

Pique fired in a rebound after Forster saved from 'Alexis'. Neymar used his blistering pace to setup Pedro for the second before scoring his first UCL goal a minute from the break. Neymar returned Sergi Roberto's pass with a back heel to Xavi and he spun away from his marker, Xavi returned the ball and Neymar burst into the box before firing past Forster. Neymar slalomed his away in between Ambrose and Biton, switched the ball between his feet, opened his body as Hooper sprawled and as he shot Matthews lashed into his own net. Tello also scored via a deflection. Samaras headed in a free kick.

Attendance : 54,342
Assists : n/a, Neymar, Montoya, Xavi, n/a, Correia, Mulgrew (fk)

GALATASARAY 1 (Sneijder 85)

Shades of Perugia - heading for the title Juve's game with Perugia was delayed due to torrential rain, when it restarted Perugia scored and Lazio beat Juve to the scudetto. Similar thing here, a delay due to a snowstorm and a late winner by former Interisti Sneijder. Oh how it burns.

Last month I said Juventus are "the smallest big team in Europe". Tuttosport ran a headline today in the same vein :

Great in Italy, small in Europe

Conte is a mental midget. ONE win in a group with Galatasaray and Copenhagen. They conceded 9 goals. Fittingly they ended their pathetic campaign with a defeat to Mancini's Galatasaray, which is like finding your wife in bed with the kid that stole your lunch money at school.

Napoli failed to qualify with a group featuring last season's beaten finalists and Arsenal, Milan drew with Ajax despite going down to ten men (and having a shit side) but Juve couldn't even qualify from a group featuring Copenhagen and Galatasaray. Conte is a mental midget.

Attendance : 37,375
Assists : Drogba