19 March 2014

MANCHESTER UNITED 3 (Van Persie 25 Pen, Van Persie 46, Van Persie 52)

RVP went down under Holebas' clumsy challenge to win the penalty. Another longball (Moyes trademark), another goal. Rooney made the most of a deflection off Marcano to centre for RVP's second - who says they don't pass to each other? RVP completed his hat-trick with a brilliant free kick and left the field on a stretcher after Manolas heabutted his left thigh.

Machado came on as a second half substitute for Olympiakos. He has one of the most amazing moustaches in sport.

A desperately disappointing result as the World was sparred more Man United misery - there can never be enough.

Attendance : 74,662
Assists : RVP (won pen), Rooney, Wellbeck (won fk)

DORTMUND 1 (Kehl 38)
ZENIT ST PETERSBURG 2 (Hulk 16, Rondon 73)

Hulk gave Zenit the lead with an absolute blockbuster of a shot. He outmuscled the much bigger Kehl, turned and then from 35 yards cracked a left foot shot inside a post. Fabulous goal. Malafeev made a complete balls-up of what should have been a simple save from a Kehl header. Hummels, who along with Weidenfeller is Dortmund's weak line, ball watched Criscito cross from the left while forgetting to track his marker, Rondon, as he effortlessly pulled away to head in the winner.

Attendance : 65,829
Assists : n/a, Schmelzer, Criscito

18 March 2014

CHELSEA 2 (Eto'o 4, Cahill 42)

It took Chelsea all of four minutes to breach the shitty Galatasaray defence. Hazard released Oscar after a superb turn and pass, Eto'o finished poorly but Muslera is of course rubbish and failed to get a strong hand to his shot. Muslera was totally blameless for the second goal however, as his defence gave Terry free reign on a corner which he did well to parry but Cahill smashed in the rebound.

There was nothing more annoying that the build up to this match as the British press giving lip service to Chelsea's clearly orchestrated attempts to play on Drogba's emotions so he would cave under the pressure.

Attendance : 38,038
Assists : Oscar, n/a

REAL MADRID 3 (Ronaldo 21, Ronaldo 74, Morata 75)
SCHALKE 1 (Hoagland 31)

Morata and Bale combined, like the lackeys they are, for Ronaldo's opening goal. Hoagland equalised via a massive deflection off Ramos. Ronaldo ran onto a loose ball and broke a tackle before firing in his second and less than a minute later Morata, who is linked with a host of clubs on account of scoring an impressive 3 La Liga goals, tapped in a rebound following a Draxler hospital pass.

Attendance : 65,148
Assists : Bale, n/a, n/a, Bale

12 March 2014

PSG 2 (Marquinhos 13, Lavezzi 53)

Rolfes broke three tackles as he drifted infield from the left flank before passing to Castro, he spread the play out wide to Donati (one of several promising youngsters carelessly discarded by Inter in recent years) and Sam headed in his cross at the back post. Marquinhos equalised with a bullet header from a Cabaye corner. Jallet pulled down Derdiyok to concede a penalty but Rolfes' spot kick was easily saved. Digne ran through a weak challenge from the much larger Can and Lavezzi slammed his centre past Leno.

Attendance : 45,596
Assists : Donati, Cabaye (ck), Digne

BARCELONA 2 (Messi 67, Alves 91)
MANCHESTER CITY 1 (Kompany 89)

The Klingon managed to miss-control a poor through ball and Messi pounced to break the utter tedium of the preceding 66 minutes. Zabaleta was sent off for protesting after Dzeko appeared to have been jobbed out of a penalty. The Klingon blocked Valdes on a corner allowing Kompany to equalise but two minutes later Iniesta took advantage in a gaping hole on the left side of Man City's defence, danced around Hart and pulled back a centre for Alves.

Attendance : 85,957
Red Card : Zabaleta 78 (Man City)
Assists : n/a, Dzeko, Iniesta

11 March 2014

ATLETICO MADRID 4 (Costa 3, Turan 40, Garcia 71, Costa 85)
MILAN 1 (Kaka' 27)

The pathetic excuse for a footballer that is Essien in 2014 was easily dispossessed by Gabi as he tried to spring a counter attack, he dribbled past De Jong and teacher's pet Emanuelson before passing to Koke and Costa acrobatically volleyed his cross past Abbiati. Kaka' scored his first goal under Seedorf via a deflection off Juanfran. Turan restored Atletico's lead via another deflection. Bonera conceded a free kick and Gabi swung it onto Garcia's head for Atletico's third goal. Napoli reject Sosa slipped as he tried to dribble through the Milan defence but managed to poke the ball forward to Costa who fired in off the left post. Excellent finish.

Milan will not play in the UCL for at least 18 months and if they keep the naïve, bullshitter Seedorf, who should have been fired the minute he said he found tactics boring, on beyond the season you can add another two years as that's how long it will take his replacement to undo the damage he will surely do with the shit players he will sign and to the immensely talented young players the club finally have coming through and quite frankly no one will miss this Milan side, they're a joke.

Forza Allegri.

Attendance : 49,186
Assists : Koke, Poli, Garcia, Gabi, Sosa

BAYERN MUNICH 1 (Schweinsteiger 55)
ARSENAL 1 (Podolski 57)

Bayern caught Arsenal napping with a quickly taken free kick. Ribery ran at three defenders as he cut in from the right and threaded a pass between them for Schweinsteiger. Podolski played a one-two with Giroud before throwing Lahm to the ground and as everyone waited for the ref to whistle for a foul he ran into the box before lashing a shot into the roof of the net. Fabianski made a brilliant save to deny Muller from the penalty spot after Robben predictably made the most of a Koscielny challenge.

Attendance : 68,000
Assists : Ribery, n/a

26 February 2014

GALATASARAY 1 (Chedjou 65)
CHELSEA 1 (Torres 9)

Schurrle found Azpilicueta with a brilliant pass inside a defender and the ever useless Torres poked his centre into an empty net - his sixth goal of the season. Chedjou got in front of Terry to volley in a Sneijder corner.

The only draw of the last 16.

Attendance : 49,194
Assists : Azpilicueta, Sneijder

SHALKE 1 (Huntelaar 91)
REAL MADRID 6 (Benzema 13, Bale 21, Ronaldo 52, Benzema 57, Bale 69, Ronaldo 89)

Bale destroyed a defender with an elastico type move, he beat two more players before Ronaldo back heeled his pass off Santana and Benzema pounced to began the slaughter. Casillas made a sensational point blank save to deny Draxler but Meyer should have put away the rebound. Bale scored a fantastic goal, weaving in and out of three players and switching the ball from his left to his right before thumping a shot inside the right post. This promoted the Dutch commentator on Sport1 to shout "Mourinho? Who the fuck is Mourinho?".

Ronaldo finally scored having gone close on several occasions, bamboozling Matip with a million step overs before shooting across goal. Benzema scored his second via a delayed Ronaldo back heel. Pepe snuffed out an attack in midfield and Ramos put in Bale for his second with a lovely disguised pass. Goretzka feebly gave away the ball under pressure form Isco and Ronaldo held off Fuchs as he gathered Benzema's pass, rounded Fahrmann and tapped into an empty net. The Hunter at least had the consolation of scoring one of the goals of the season at the death, a stunning right foot volley which crashed in off the underside of the crossbar. Van Basten would be proud - of the goal obviously not the rest of Schalke's performance.

Just as I said earlier in the week, the level of teams in the Bundesliga below Bayern and Dortmund are a joke.

Attendance : 54,442
Assists : n/a, n/a, n/a, Ronaldo, Ramos, Benzema, Fuchs

25 February 2014

ZENIT ST PETERSBURG 2 (Shatov 57, Hulk 69 Pen)
DORTMUND 4 (Mkhitaryan 4, Reus 5, Lewandowski 61, Lewandowski 71)

The first three goals were all from rebounds, the unfortunately named Shatov with the third following a mighty goalmouth scramble. Rondon carelessly gave the ball away with a lazy pass and Mkhitaryan and Lewaondowski worked it to Piszczek, Lewandowski headed into the box and met his centre. The ref gave a ridiculous penalty when Fayzulin ran into the back of Piszczek. Hulk almost tore the net in half but Zenit's joy was short-lived as two minutes later Reus intercepted Neto's hospital pass and he slipped in Lewandowski for the fourth.

Attendance : 15,099
Assists : Reus, Grosskreutz, n/a, Piszczek, Fayzulin (won pen), Reus

OLYMPIAKOS 2 (Dominguez 38, Campbell 55)

Although there was a touch of fortune on the opening goal Olympiakos were well worth their lead. Maniatis tried his luck from the edge of the box after Evra could only half clear a cross and the lively Dominguez, who made a stunning 50 yard run only to be denied by an excellent tackle earlier in the half, flicked out a boot to redirect his team-mates shot past De Gea. The great white hope Cleverly was mugged by Dominguez in midfield, Olaitan laid off Maniatis' pass and Campbell, on loan from Arsenal, nutmegged Carrick before curling a 25 yard shot past De Gea. Brilliant goal.

Despite selling their best player to Europe and missing their most recognised striker, Saviola, through injury, Olympiakos still managed to beat Moyes' pathetic Man United side with relative ease.

Attendance : 29,815
Assists : Maniatis, Olaitan

19 February 2014

BAYERN MUNICH 2 (Kroos 54, Muller 88)

Ozil dived to win an 8th minute penalty but his poorly placed spot kick was brilliantly parried away by Neuer. Chez Lounge or whatever his dumb name is became the 100th Arsenal player to be shown a red card under Wenger when he kicked out Robben's left leg as he ran in on goal. Alaba missed the penalty. Bayern ironically played the tedious slow motion football Arsenal were notorious for until Kroos let rip with a violent shot from the edge of the box. Muller came off the bench to meet a Lahm cross with a point blank header. Boring, boring Bayern.

Thiago is the most overrated player in all of Europe. He literally does nothing but pass the ball square. Xabi Alonso at least tackles (badly) this midget doesn't even do that much. And I don't care that he scored this weekend. He's still shit.

Attendance : 59,911
Red Card : Szczesny 37 (Arsenal)
Assists : Lahm, Lahm

ATLETICO MADRID 1 (Diego Costa 83)

Attendance : 65,890
Assist : n/a

18 February 2014

BARCELONA 2 (Messi 54 Pen, Alves 90)

The game was largely uneventful until the accident that is waiting to happen i.e. Demichelis tripped Messi for the penalty. Another of Man City's horrifically poor defenders (though Lescott is Baresi compared to these two clowns), Clichy, slipped when attempting to clear a Neymar centre then inadvertently helped it into Alves' path and he nutmegged Hart in the City goal.

Nearly man Pellegrini makes too many tactical mistakes - the lack of frenzied pressing in this game for starters. Standing off Barcelona plays to their strengths but his biggest mistakes are in his selections. Demichelis is a Championship level player.

Attendance : 46,033
Red Card : Demichelis 53 (Manchester City)
Assists : Messi (won pen), n/a

PSG 4 (Matuidi 3, Ibrahimovic 39 Pen, Ibrahimovic 42, Cabaye 88)

Matuidi intercepted from Rolfes, Ibrahimovic laid off his pass to Verratti and the Italian split two defenders as Matuidi broke into the box and shot through Leno. Spahic fouled Lavezzi for the penalty. Matuidi wrestled with two defenders as he tried to make something of a Maxwell centre, he lost his balance, poked the ball to Ibrahimovic who took a couple of steps forward and from 20 yards smashed a first time shot into the top left corner. Brilliant as ever. Spahic was shown a second yellow (the first was for fouling Lavezzi for the penalty) for fouling Lucas as they're now calling him. Cabaye made a dream UCL debut for PSG, finishing off good work by Ibrahimovic, Maxwell and Lucas to blast in the fourth.

It's hard to take a team that were thrashed by a shit Man United side seriously. Leverkusen are awful and show just how big the gap between the top two and the rest of the league is in Germany.

Attendance : 29,412
Assists : Verratti, Lavezzi (won pen), Matuidi, Lucas